And so the cracks start to form...

One week into the TEFL course and my confidence is starting to crack as I struggle to handle fluctuating emotions on top of a very intense course.

Sat in the classroom, I am reminded of why I left school at the age of 16. My dyslexic mind causes frustration as I misread, misspell and misunderstand my way through tasks. The speed at which we are expected to learn is fast, a concept is simply explained and you are expected to be able to grasp it very quickly. A very Chinese way of learning...

Outside the classroom, my emotions also fluctuate as I continue to face the differences in culture, lack of social support and loneliness on a day to day basis. The language can be problematic and my head will hurt from trying to think of ways to understand or be understood. Nothing is easy and it's not getting any easier either.

I miss the girl. Lots...

However, everything is going according to plan. I have started the course, I have a job waiting and the emotional roller-coaster has been anticipated. I am proud to have accomplished all I have so far and to be where I am...

But, I do question myself on the down days... Can I actually handle this? Or, have I jumped in that bit too deep?

I guess there is only one way to find out...

Where am I going to get a coffee?!

6^th October 2011

Arriving at Beijing airport, tired and a little shell shocked to say the least, I found it hard to believe that after all the planning and months of preparation, I was finally here. But, the thought of being here for the longer term at this point, doesn’t seem comprehensible .

I arrived early afternoon, so after getting to the hostel All I wanted to do was to sleep. After about 4 hours sleep in two days, I had no trouble falling into a deep slumber!

Waking up on day two was disorientating to say the least… Why are there people in my room? Where is my girl? Why can I hear Mandarin? More importantly… Where am I going to get a coffee?!

At first I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself. After years of routine, with places to be and responsibilities to adhere to, it’s actually quite hard to adjust to a life of total freedom. 

After finding a Mc D’s for a coffee (they really are everywhere!), I tackled the local phone shop and got myself set up with a new phone with China Mobile.  Feeling like I should do something, after all I’m in China, I decided to try and find the Forbidden City (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forbidden_City

 

All those pictures you see of the Chinese underground, people pushing and cramming others into trains… all true. For about one line! The rest is crowded, but better than London. Trains are on time, no hold ups and fast. Although people have no idea about letting people off the train, you really have to fight to get off!!

Walking around the Forbidden City area, I was simply amazed. Still not quite over the shock of being in China, the temples, architecture and sheer volume of people (national holiday week here) had me stop in awe. However it appeared I was having the same effect of those around me, many stopping and staring, parents pointing me out to their children, photos being taken as I stop to eat. I don’t think I even saw another white person whilst walking around, so I can understand the curiosity.

Looking forward there are many challenges ahead and no doubt that for quite some time, I will continue to wake and wonder, where is my girl? Why are there people in my room? And why can I hear Manadarin? But at the very least… I now know where I can get myself a coffee.

Jema

What have I done?

3^rd October 2011

As I sit here in Dubai, waiting for my connecting flight, I can’t help but think… What have I done?

Many have said over the past few months, how brave it is to be venturing off, completely alone, to a country so very different than my own. To be honest, I’m beginning to see their point…

I’m petrified.

I left this morning in a state of shock. Nauseas, shaking and in tears… It’s been emotional to say the least. Leaving my friends and family has been incredibly tough. But to leave the girl? It has broken my heart.

Now though, I can only look forward to what lies ahead, I have to… But it is all very blurry. A new language, a new culture, a new job, new food, new home, new people… China!! All the planning in the world couldn’t have prepared me for what I am about to experience…

So, here I will sit, and here I may cry, shake and feel sick… But one thing I have learnt is that sometimes, if you can get through the really, really tough times, you get to experience some of the most incredible times of your life.

After all, isn’t that what living is all about?

Jema